How to Talk to Our Asian Parents about Anti-Blackness
One of the greatest unspoken truths in the Asian Pacific American (APA) community is that many of us have parents and relatives who are prejudiced against black people. We’re taught not to be like those people. “Look at us. We’ve worked so hard. Why can’t they do the same?” Black people are used as examples of what not to become, and white people are held up as examples of what to aspire to.
Asian family eating
If we’re serious about achieving racial justice and equity, we have to be ready to address anti-blackness with our parents and our elders. Here are some ways to do that:
Language. Talk to your parents about anti-blackness. If they use racial slurs to describe the black community, ask them why and where they learned that word. If you don’t have the language skills to go into an in-depth conversation with them about anti-blackness and oppression, find someone in the family who does (Note to self: Look up the words, unconscious bias, and oppression, in Cantonese).
Get “woke” elders to be co-conspirators. In some APA communities, it’s not respectful to speak out of turn to our elders. Instead, it may be even more effective to find someone from their generation who can speak to them at their level. Who are the elders in our community who are woke and would be willing to talk about these issues?
Call out anti-blackness. In Oakland Chinatown, there are so many cases of prejudice against black customers. That’s right, I see you. I witness how you treat me nicely when I buy boba vs. when one of my black sisters comes in. Call it out because “othering” only serves to keep communities of color divided.
Share your experiences. Tell them about your experiences with racism. If you have experienced police brutality or witnessed it, talk to family and community about it. Ask them why they trust the police in the U.S. so much, particularly if they’ve immigrated from authoritarian countries where corruption, ineffective criminal justice systems, and police were used to keep the powerful in power. Let them know that cops have also killed innocent Asians. And that the U.S. isn’t so different than some of the countries our parents immigrated from.
Acknowledge their experiences. Some of our parents have had negative experiences with black community members. But as we know, a few black people does not represent ALL black people. Just like Raymond “Shrimp Boy” Chow, the Yakuza, Ramesh “Sunny” Balwani don’t represent ALL Asian people, why should it be any different for the black community? Acknowledge what they’ve been through but also talk about just how we would feel if people thought all Asians were criminals.
Respect the sacrifices they made. As the daughter of immigrant parents, I know my mom and dad struggled A LOT when they moved to New York from Hong Kong. And the one thing they both wished is that my brother and I would grow up happy and healthy. Black parents want the same. How would our parents feel if we were killed just for the color of our skin? Because the children of black parents are killed. every. single. day.
Bring people together. One of my friends, Tomoko Ha, suggested that a huge barrier to solidarity is that our Asian parents don’t have black friends. And vice versa. So when the only experiences our parents have had with the black community are negative or neutral ones, they don’t get a full picture of what it’s like to live in a diverse community. And we know that it’s human nature to fear we don’t understand.
Remind immigrant parents of inequities in their home countries. Criminals are made, not born. Places with high poverty have higher rates of crime. When people are poor and desperate, they may resort to stealing. Talk to our parents about what poverty and crime was like for them in their home country. Ask whether poverty, mental health, etc. are the reasons behind it. Ask if the lives of their people living in poverty matter.
Bring up stereotypes. Give your parents an example of a negative stereotype from your community and prove how that stereotype is wrong such as: All Asian men beat their wives. Asian moms are Tiger moms. Young Asian women are prostitutes and easy sex. Asians don’t speak English. All Chinese are rich.
Use religion. The biggest pushback I’ve gotten in addressing anti-blackness with APA elders is that "the protestors are looting and vandalizing stores”. Only in most cities in the U.S., the ones committing acts of violence are not protestors. Furthermore, Asian religions like Buddhism teach us that human life and the way we treat others are more important than money or material possessions. So why is it that we are talking as though we value money and stuff as more important than human life? Is the rack of clothing they stole from your boutique more important than the life of a Vietnamese grandma who lives down the street from you? If so, then we’ve got a bigger problem than anti-blackness.
Talk about their Legacy. A lot of our parents care about us and want to leave a lasting legacy behind. I know my mom does. Who do they want to be remembered as when they pass? How do they want us to remember our time with them?
Help them stay informed. Where are they getting their news from? Is it biased? Does it reinforce white supremacy and anti-blackness? Give them information from different sources. Use statistics. Dismantle statements that black protestors automatically equals rioters/looters.
The “I only care about my people” argument. This is my personal favorite. Yeah, I know. Asia is huge and our countries fought each other thousands of years. Some are still fighting today. But we’re in the U.S. We’re Americans, and unless your parents plan on permanently moving back to Asia tomorrow, then we need to stand together. Because the reality is that White people can’t tell most of us apart. How many times have we been called the wrong ethnicity? And even non-Asian Japanese Americans were put in camps during WWII. That means what happens to other Asians happens to us too. Also, Asians have intermarried for thousands of years. We have black Asians. We have Vietnamese-Chinese Asians. By ignoring mixed-race individuals, we are virtually erasing their identities.
It’s going to be hard. Our patience will be tested. Conversations might get heated. We’ll find ourselves repeating a lot of things. Their fragility might come up. You’ll find yourself not feeling heard. And some of our parents may never see it from our perspective. But it’s worth trying because black lives matter. And until black lives matter, our Asian lives won’t matter. And we hold the key to helping turn the tide within our communities by putting anti-blackness at the forefront of our racial equity work.